12 Idiots, a Ticket, and a Can of Raviolis
by thedarksquiggle
Summary: The Nobody Likes Me Club-- Snape is having fun while everyone else is in hell. What will happen next? Plus: The discovery of WHAT those pills really were.
1. Default Chapter

12 Idiots, a Ticket, and a Can of Raviolis: A most mesmerizing story by the darksquiggle

Chapter 1: Cans and Regis

===Authors Note

All things adorable and fluffy are mine. This includes, but is not limited to: puppies, kitties, horsies, seahorses, and dragons. Pillows are nice too. And so is Shamu.

Harry Potter isn't mine though and I'm glad 'cause it's neither fluffy nor adorable, (if you don't count the doggies, kitties, woofies, werewoofies, unicorns, niffers.... /blah blah ten minutes later/ that is). So I no own Harry Potter!

==Story

Once upon a time in Harry Potter land there were people walking down the street. It was a sunny day and the birds were singing and the bees were stinging random people. Harry was having a pretty crappy summer day because he was INSIDE, he was WITH the DURSLEYS, and he basically was guilty of THIRD DEGREE MURDER of his oh-so-dear-doggy-godfather. Life's great isn't it? Anyhow he looked out his window and discovered something truly amazing... he watched it crawl under the door (yes in my story... doors are not solid MUAHAHAH) and across the carpet. He stared. It couldn't be... it was just impossible, but there it was right before his eyes...that damn can from the Ravioli commercial. Damn thing just sat there while the traumatizing music played from that blasted commercial. Evidently the can had gotten lost. Yes, how sad anyhow...

Harry: Strange... a can moving on its own... I know better than to pick it up though.... because LORD VOLDERMORT BEWITCHED IT TO FOLLOW ME HOME SO I WOULD ACCIDENTALLY POSION MYSELF WITH ITS GROTESQUE CHEESYNESSS!!!!!! HAVE NO FEAR HARRY IS HERE!

Dudley: Harry is where? /peeking out form corner/

Harry: ... HARRY IS THERE! /points at ice cream truck/

Dudley: Damn straight! /chasing after itgets run over by a moped/

Harry: FIRST SIRIUS, NOW DUDLEY, NEXT THE WORLD MUAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! Ha? Damn he didn't kick the bucket.

/flashing sign/ CONGRADULATIONS YOU'RE OUR FIRST VISITOR! [annoying elevator music]

/Regis clone appears/ Now you're going to Hawaii.

Harry: But I wanna go to Alaska!!

Regis: Tough shit.

=========================================

(2 hours later) Because exactly ten other people also were attacked by magical Regis-clone-in-a-cans, Harry soon found himself on a charter plane (14 seater) that went to Mexico, Britain, Taiwan, and The United Republic of Soupo. Yes, Soupo. It's right next to Kansas if you look hard enough. Anyways, Harry found himself going on a magical journey with Hermione, Ron, the twins, Lupin, McGonagall, Dumbledore, Dobby, and Snape (although they tried to push him out the window, but it turns out he used his eagle nose powers to bring the Magical-Geese-from-Hell to fly him to Hawaii, and since they travel faster than the speed of light, while everyone else was air sick, he was enjoying a Margarita in Honolulu).

Fred: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: No.

Fred: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: No.

Fred: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: No.

Fred: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: No.

Fred: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: No. Shut up.

George: Are we there yet?

McGonagall: ... THAT'S IT!

George: It was me!

Fred: I digress it was most obviously me!

George: Was not

Fred: Was too.

George: Was not

Fred: Was too.

At this point McGonagall shot herself. (Lupin had already hung himself by his luggage strap).

========================

Just kidding. McGonagall missed and hit Ron, but nobody cares about Ron so it didn't matter. (And Lupin's luggage strap was so cheap it broke before he picked it up--that's what you get when you shop at the 99 Cents Store). So they were off on their magical journey again, and since Dumbledore is all-powerful, he magically blasted "I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane" from every speaker (sore ears ensued). They landed and were happy until they saw... THE DEMENTORS! Yes, that's right, even Dementors like Hawaii

Dobby: Dobby is most gracious, Sir.

Dementor: RAWR!

Dobby: Dobby is most scared, Sir.

=========================

Will Dobby become buttermilk chow?

Will they ever have fun?

Will Snape ever die? 

Most importantly, will the author learn (finally) to count (counting on the hand doesn't count)?

=========================

Next time

=========================

Sorry about the short chappie. I got finals tomorrow.


	2. Conspiracy Theory and Lupin's pills

12 Idiots, a Ticket, and a Can of Raviolis

Ch 2: Conspiracy Theory and Lupin's pills.

A/N

Copywrite: I sadly do not own Harry Potter. If I did the movie would have had-- I mean been better... about their acting choices...

My Conspiracy Theory: Sirius didn't die! He fell through the veil and ended up in Mexico and was kidnapped by some druggie dealers who needed a dog mascot (better than a freakin camel). So now he's a drug lord in Tijuana and is stalked by raving fan girls. Then when he found out how ugly his actor was, he vowed to never show his face again because EVERYBODY knows he does not look like a hobo.

Fellow lunatics and patients in therapy

Well now reviewers, mauhaahha oh wait there's only two T.T fin then I get the picture! I'm self-motivated anyways!

**_Jen Riddle_****: ** Yay! Thanks for reviewing... sorry if I scarred you permanently for life. You wouldn't by any chance be related to... Tom Riddle... cowers under blanket... would you?

**_Acinorev_****:** crazy name! What's it mean!? Thanks for reviewing!

Thank you few but proud reviewers! Now back to torturi-- I mean helping our favorite heroes.

People who are NOT fellow lunatics and patients in therapy (basically this is a LIE! These are just my accomplices in my crimes of writing MUAHHAHAH)

**_Mikomimi89_** -- go read her stuff it'll make you all tingly inside... She came up with what the antics of a were-wolf with ADD would be like. Such a good friend (bursts into tears) If I could pay you in plushies I would! smiley smiles

Story========

Alas, due to Harry's bad luck (or that bad fortune cookie, whichever came first) he had traveled all the way to Hawaii to come to face with a De mentor.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! DEMENTORS! I'M NOT GETTING OFF THIS PLANE! THE ONLY THING WORSE WOULD BE IF THAT LESTRANGE

WOMAN WAS HERE RUNNING BUTT-NAKED WITH A BUFFALO FUR HAT ON HER HEAD SHOUTING "WEASLY IS OUR KING" IN FRENCH. Of course then I would chuck my Ravioli can at her /strokes can/ My preccccciiiiiiooooouuuss..... We is not going to hurt you...

/Hermione subsequently clocked him on the head with Lupin's luggage remains/

Harry: DAMN IT VOLDERMORTS TRYING TO TURN ME INTO A COBRA AGAIN!! AHHH! THE SNAKES ARE GONNA EAT ME KNICKERS! /hits head on now empty luggage compartment/

A/N: Hermione confiscated Lupin's luggage after a series of suicide attempts. That's why Lupin's luggage (almost rhymes!) was in Harry's compartment. End of commentary.

============

Soon after, Harry began twitching and having convulsions as the plane pulled up to let other passengers on. He also started slithering around on his stomach trying to bite the flight attendants feet. Needless to say, he was very bruised and battered when Lupin finally noticed and gave him some pills.

=============

Lupin: Ritalin! IT'S THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!... besides chocolate... and crack... and vegetable oil... and... /passes out/

Ron: What?

Lupin: What? WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER ANYTHING! /starts running in circles chasing after invisible tailstops and restsforgets he was resting and starts chasing his tail again

McGonagall: I thought I told you no more Vodka. We lost one professor to the birds we don't need to lose another one to the combined affects of alcohol and Ritalin on a were-wolf with ADD.

Ron: Never mind. /mumbling/ Hitchcock.... Damn voices.... I thought I told Mufasa to leave me alone! Give me some of those pills!

McGonagall: What are you doing? Give those to me now Weasley!

Ron: Get in line I asked first. /plops them in mouth/

McGonagll: No, I don't want to take it.... ARGH!

In the end, McGonagall pulled out that famous rifle again and got the meds after all.

IT READS: _Were-wolf Ritalin Tranquilizer Pills WARNING: Do not take if you are anything but werewolf or you will be subject to flying out of plane windows with antlers taped on your head. Users may also be subject to randomness, sneeze attacks, and spider infestations._

At that moment, exactly one hundred and ninety-two spiders attacked Ron's freckles. He died. The end. Harry on the other hand was back with a vengeance.

Harry: I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.... I KILLED SIRIUS AND I **_LIKED_ **IT! AND I'D DO IT AGAIN TOO! MAUHAHAHA! DIE SQUIGGLES /takes Dumbledore's lemon drops and squishes them/

... I win... /walks off/

Lupin: SIRIUS, SIRIUS I KNOW SIRIUS! HE WAS MY FRIEND, MY BEST FRIEND! YES, HE WAS SIRIUS, HE WAS MY FRIEND! /pauses and thinks/ SIRIUS, SIRIUS I KNOW SIRIUS! HE WAS MY FRIEND, MY BEST FRIEND! YES HE WAS SIRIUS, SIRIUS WAS MY FRIEND...

=========

Fourteen seconds and two hours later there was an unconscious were-wolf with a large lump on his head and there blood was on McGonagall's rifle.__

_===========_

**From the cockpit: _HELLO THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN, PRIVATE PEGLEG SAM SPEAKING, WE'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE HAVE REACHED OUR DESTINATION OF ICELAND, PLEASE EXSITS TO YOUR RIGHT AND DROP MONEY INTO THAT HAT ON THE GROUND BY MY FOOT. WE WILL BE IN HAWAII IN APROXIMENTALLY SEVEN HOURS. THANK-YOU-COME-AGAIN _**_(A/N Peg-leg does terrible Apuu impressions by the way)._

Dumbledore: That clearly explains the Dementors.

Hermione: Really?

Dumbledore: No.

Hermione: Oh.

=========

Then, something terrible happened (well something terrible happened when these people were drafted into my story but we can ignore that for now). The dementors boarded the plane and sat next to Hermione! (They had hid Ron's corpse in the bathroom). Dobby had fallen out one of the windows and turned into a Popsicle just like the Toboe-Seahorse-Popsicle-Theory had said he would. Nobody noticed. Something creepy happened and Hermione started hitting on the Death Eaters as Dumbledore picked up the remains of his lemon drops and ate them off the floor.

=========

Hermione: Did I ever tell you, you have BEAUTIFUL hic eyes...

Death Eater: Rawr!

Hermione: MARRY ME!

Ron: /from the bathroom/ I OBJECT!

Harry: FILTHY MUDBLOODS DIE!!!!!!! /throws oranges/

**Cockpit:** _We're now approaching Honolulu, please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated. Thank you for giving your hard earned cash to Fly Cardboard Airlines. Have a nice day._

-------------------------

Next time:

Gay dementors and the Tijuana escapee!

The Friendship Song!

-------------------------

T.D.S: Adios.

Lupin: Shoot me now.

T.D.S: We already lost Ron (twice)... we can't afford any more special effects sequences. 

Lupin: runs out window

T.D.S.: That's a wall you know...


	3. The Nobody Likes Me Club

12 Idiots, a Ticket, and a Can of Raviolis by thedarksquiggle

Chapter 3: The Nobody Likes Me Club

A/N: =======

I have been scarred for life by reading yaoi... /the author rocking back and forth with a blanket over her head sobbing hysterically and muttering about strange things/ I vow to read authors notes and check the ratings of every story I read. I vow to hide from scary people. I vow to say that I do not own Harry Potter. I vow..... thinks remembersNO!!! NEVER AGAIN!! AAAAARGH!! MY EYES NO! BAD STORIES BAD STORIES!!!! BAD IMAGES BAD IMAGES! THEY'RE STRAIGHT I TELL YOU!!! AHHH!!!! gets carried away in a stretcher

Oh yes, everyone is completely crazed and out of character, except Lupin... I always knew he took medication....

_One is the loneliest number_..... and it seems I only have one reviewer... for shame... for shame... oh well, I better go back to listening to _Killing Me Softly _in Spanish....

**_Liz:_** God bless your soul child! You are my one and only reviewer for Ch.2 T.T bursts into tears and starts throwing vasesI'M SORRY WORLD!!! I HAVE POLLUTED FF.NET WITH MY HORRIBLE STORIES AIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ahemYes, thank you for reviewing.

Wah?! reads reviews More people have read my story in the last 24 hours! Whhhhoooo hooooo!

**_Kyo-kyo89:_** I know where you live.....

**_The Ghost Pirate King:_**Take some sugar pills to keep the thinker working! (Actually don't, the side effects of doing so will be visible in this chapter)

**_Jen Riddle:_** Out of characteryness should be considered a force not to be reckoned with! Yay a supporter of my theories! We can take over the world MUAHAHAHA!!! gets hit by other people who have already claimed that job Ahem. Well, I want Antarctica.

**_NatsuRuby: _** I really need a lawyer... restraining order necessary looks out bushes and finds Natalie sitting outside in a safari hat with a tent standing next to a camp fire Point proven.

**_Animerockstar:_** I have a strong inkling that you are someone I know... ah well don't worry your precious Harry won't get killed off-- yet.

Story ========

For today's episode we're going to be following Snape around until we get bored because... everyone else... is.. having... er... difficulties flashes to a scene of Harry throwing beaver hats at random people, Ron with a bullet hole (two actually) in his head, McGonagall going sniper on the pilot with her rifle, Dumbledore eating lemon drops, and Lupin running in circles, while Hermione discusses marriage plans with her new found love, Mr. Dementor. (On the wing of the plane, you can still see a small house elf hanging on for his life as it comes to a stop, yelling things like "Dobby does not like heights, Sir." "Dobby is quite dead, Sir." and "Dobby would like a tea cozy, Sir.").

Snape was sitting on his lawn chair looking out at the beautiful sunrise form the oceanfront view of his hotel. He'd recently acquired eleven million dollars because he canceled everybody else's reservations at the hotel to piss them off (except Dumbledore because NOBODY can kick out Dumbledore, but he was just as likely to get lost and not find the hotel anyways). He explained to the Hotel owner that they were unable to make it and had allowed him to use their money in their stead. The liar.

Anyways, he decided today would be a good day to do something FUN! So he went shopping (joy) for weapons of mass destruction to get rid of Potter when no one was looking. Then, he decided to buy a fur hat and a babushka (it IS a real word I tell you) as well as one of those funky old peoples Hawaii shirts too. Then, he had escargot for lunch. Why? Because he can. Then, he went to the beach, but after he remembered that the SUN was his ENEMY, he left to go cry in a dark hole. Back to the amazing-not-landing-yet-plane-filled-with-the-mentally-scarred. Miraculously, Ron came back to life (again) thanks to the magical powers that come with being an author. Since he was the only one left on the plane with a brain (yes those bullet holes there got healed too), he did the only thing he could do.

Ron: I'd like to make a collect call... whips out his magical wizard cell phone(A/N what type of moron would make a collect call on a cell phone?)

Peg-leg Sam: WEAPONS ON THE PLANE! WEAPONS ON THE PLANE! TAKE A BULLET FOR THE PREZ!!! slow motion dive in front of Harry Potter

Peg-leg Sam: False alarm. Goes back to cockpit

Ron: Strange... O.o

=============In the mean time....

Lupin: THE SPIDERS!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!! CAN'T YOU SEE THEM!? points at empty space where a tiny winy baby spider sits

Ron: ... HOLY BROOMSTICK WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Lupin: KILL IT! KILL IT!

Ron: HARRY KILL IT!

Harry: I'M TIRED OF BEING EVERYONE'S PUPPET, I'M THE BOY WHO LIVED! BOW DOWN AND FEAR ME! picks up spider and throws it at Ron

Ron: EEEEEEKKKKKK!!! /runs around screaming and crashes into Lupin, who is also screaming, who runs into Harry, who is cursing, into Dumbledore, who is eating, and McGonagall who was shooting, (Hermione and her one true love were safe though)...

Ron: IT BIT ME!!! I'M GONNA DIE!! Doctooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........... falls over twitching

At this point Lupin started chasing his invisible tail again. Yes, they sure look doomed don't they? Then, there was a loud thunderclap and twilight zone music blared very loudly from some invisible speakers. Nobody noticed. That is, until Hatori randomly appeared out of nowhere on a magic carpet. Poor Hatori was very upset because The Twilight Zone Voice Over Man had interrupted his lunch break. Well, life ain't fair. He instantly recognized the symptoms because of his magical doctor abilities and grabbed the Ritalin bottle from before.

Hatori: Aha! tears off label to reveal big letters reading: SUGAR PILLS Case closed. I'm going to go finish my sandwich now. waits for big-announcer-dude to twilight-zone-him back homechecks watch too late break's over... I need a vacation anyways...

Pegleg Sam: STOW AWAY!!! STOW AWAY!!! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!! pushes button with a picture of a dead seahorse on itAkito pops out of luggage compartment and starts throwing vasestakes carpet

Needless to say, (I like that phrase) Hatori jumped out the window James Bond style and hit Dobby and they both fell towards the deep blue waters many miles below. Then, he used his magical poofing powers to turned into a seahorse with a parachute that said : _FISH ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD. _Dobby kept falling.

Well, the plane finally landed, although it was minus two of its former occupants (three actually, they used smoke bombs to drive Akito out of the luggage compartment and then threw him out the window) and everyone was happy (except Lupin, because after he recovered from his sugar high he was informed that nobody likes him because nobody likes werewolves). That is, they WERE happy until they found out about they're missing cash. There was no doubt about it that when Snape was carried off in a stretcher that night that there were ten suspicious people behind the crime, but nobody likes Snape so no one cared. Lupin decided he and Snape should start the _Nobody Likes Me Club: A Group of Miserable Anti-Socialists_, but mysteriously when he gave him the flyer, many bad words came flying at him.

Lupin: Will you be my friend?

Snape: No.

Lupin: Will you join my club?

Snape: No, I hate you.

Lupin: B-b-because I-I-I'm a we-e-e-rewolf. sobbing very hard

Snape: No.

Lupin: Really?

Snape: No, I hate you. Go die.

With that Lupin ran off to some far away palm tree and died (he stole one of the IV cords from he hospital and hung himself). He was having a very bad day, it seemed, but he wasn't the only one. After many electro-shock therapy sessions in two hours, Ron was feeling pretty crappy. Electricity kept flying of his hair and hitting random innocent people. Poor Ron. Everyone else was sleeping in cardboard boxes because they were broke! Harry got the biggest box of course because nobody wanted to get in a fight with the mentally disturbed child. Dumbledore got one from the lemon drop factory and everyone else's were from Stater Bros. So ends a traumatic first day of vacation...

===========NEXT TIME

The beach

The Tiki clan

The Jehovah's witnesses

==================

a/n: No seahorses were harmed in the making of this film. I don't own Fruits Basket (sadly) either. I do own a seahorse plushie though. It talks to me, just like my Shamu and my woofie. I named him Fruity Seahorse because he is fruity colored.

Review time folks!


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